Love Me If You Dare Read online

  I’d take my chances.

  Chapter Two

  The bass of the music coming from inside the small house that Caroline shared with her boyfriend Nate weighed down air that was otherwise crisp with early summer. I stood for a moment on the sidewalk, letting the vibrations work through the soles of my shoes and up my legs to my belly.

  When I’d started college it had taken a lot of effort for me to break free of my shell, my natural inclination to hang back and observe rather than participate. But I’d pretended for so long that my alter ego was now a real part of me.

  Hearing the loud music, seeing the people standing on the front porch, made me smile. This was exactly what I’d needed.

  Still, I was a bit nervous as I smoothed my palms on the skirt of my dress and headed up the concrete path to the front door. I wondered if Dylan would be here.

  The thought of seeing him in the flesh after so long was terrifying, and yet at the same time, I desperately hoped for it.

  I was nuts.

  Raking my fingers through my red curls, I shook it off. The Kaylee I was back in New Haven would have charged through the front door, grabbed a drink and climbed on the biggest speaker to dance.

  Knowing what these people remembered about me was like feeling invisible arms, holding me back. Irritably, I shrugged, then pushed through the people who were clustered on the worn wood of the deck. Apart from Caroline, who cared what they thought? I’d be gone again in a few months, anyway.

  The air inside the house was heavy, thick with the scents of booze and pot, layered with the saccharine sweetness of hormones, of lust, of the neediness of people searching for a hookup. The living room before me was packed, the floor beneath my feet sticky. I rose up onto my toes, searching for a familiar face, ignoring the ones that stared at me without bothering to disguise their fascination.

  I was probably imagining it, after all. Fish Lake was a small town, but everything that had happened—well, it had been three years ago. Tragic as it was, life moved on. Surely people had other things on their minds now.

  Glancing down at my dress, one that screamed sex, I smiled wryly to myself. I sure looked like I’d moved on, and when I wasn’t in Fish Lake I could almost convince myself of it.

  Caroline was in the far corner of the room, by a card table set up with countless bottles of booze and soda. As I set off across the room in her direction I felt my nerves beginning to fall away, lost in the familiar atmosphere of people converging together for the basic human need to socialize.

  Though this crowd had always been more Ella’s friends than mine, I’d always felt welcome enough, the few times I’d come to parties thrown by Nate and Caro. I knew that was because of Caroline, who had been one of the few people who’d cared enough to look past the shyness I’d once clutched around myself like a cloak. We would never be best friends, but I still enjoyed her friendship.

  The tiny blonde had her arms around Nate when I approached, the expression on her face showing exactly what had kept them together since their freshman year of high school. A pang stabbed me in the chest, just one quick, bloodless slice as I stopped, hung back, feeling like I was intruding on something private.

  I wasn’t jealous that she had Nate. The man was a long, tall drink of chocolate milk for sure, but he didn’t do it for me.

  No, the slice came from the knowledge that the one guy who had haunted my thoughts, my dreams since the first time I’d met him wasn’t going to want anything to do with me now. Even knowing that, I couldn’t stop stealing quick, furtive little glances around, checking for that thick, spiky hair, or those eyes that had never been able to decide if they were hazel or green.

  Then Caroline spotted me, standing awkwardly a few feet away, and for a blissful few moments I was caught up with nothing but happiness at seeing my friend.

  “Kay...” My name from her lips trailed off as she looked me over, her eyes taking in my skimpy red dress, my sky high heels, and her brow furrowed for a moment. I could follow her thoughts as clearly as if she’d spoken them aloud.

  What the hell was Kaylee Sawyer doing, dressed like this?

  I waited, grimacing inwardly, as she broke away from Nate with a squeal. Shaking long golden hair from her face, the one person I’d kept in contact with in Fish Lake launched herself at me, hugging me until my ribs felt like they would crack.

  Relief was a morphine drip in my veins. She’d noticed that I’d changed. But, true to how she’d always been, she just accepted me as I was.

  “Kaylee!” Pulling back, the girl who resembled nothing so much as a forest sprite looked me up and down in the way that good friends can without being creepy. I waited to see if she would comment on my look, which wasn’t new to me but sure was to everyone else here.

  “Nice dress.” She wiggled her eyebrows at me and grinned. “I don’t have the boobs to hold something like that up.”

  The part of me that had frozen as soon as I’d driven past the town limits began to thaw. I looked down at my own boobs, which were a perfectly respectable B cup but nothing spectacular, and wiggled my eyebrows back.

  “Victoria’s Secret.” I stage whispered. “Ssh, it’s a secret.”

  She hooted with laughter, stepping back to let me at the drink table.

  “Move that sexy ass, Nate.” Caroline playfully hip checked her man out of the way, and in return he smacked her butt, grinning at me as he did.

  “Looking good, Sawyer.” Nate looked me up and down with fake lasciviousness as Caroline rolled her eyes. “Wanna make out?”

  I laughed and rolled my eyes along with Caroline. Being around two people who were just happy I was home and didn’t want to have a long, serious discussion about anything did me a world of good.

  “Nate, stop hitting on her and move. It took three years, but Kaylee’s here and ready to party.” Caroline grabbed two red plastic cups from a teetering stack and gestured to the array of half empty bottles on the card table. “Let’s get a few drinks into her before she changes her mind.”

  “I’ll leave you women to it.” Nate saluted us with his cup before wandering off into the crowd. “Don’t break too many hearts.”

  “No shit, Sawyer.” Caroline whistled as she held up a bottle of whiskey in one hand and a mickey of vodka in the other. “I had no idea you were so hot. Though you did rock the sexy librarian thing.”

  “A librarian? Shit.” I gestured to the vodka, ignoring the inquisitive expression on Caroline’s face as I reached around her for one of the cups that she’d gotten out.

  It seemed like such a stereotype, twins who were polar opposites. But despite how much we’d looked alike, that was exactly what Ella and I had been. And obviously I wasn’t happy that she was gone, but the fact remained that, in her absence, I had been able to become.... different. To be things that I hadn’t felt free to be before.

  But I didn’t want to get into any of that, not right now. No, I just wanted to dance.

  “Here’s to you coming home!” Caroline accepted the cup of vodka and seven that I handed her and lifted it, toasting me. Though her toast made me squirm a bit, I shrugged it off.

  I was here to have fun. But before following her to the space that had been cleared for dancing, I spat out the question that had been on the tip of my tongue since I’d walked in the door.

  “Dylan McKay.” I felt like I’d shouted, though I’d tried to keep my voice down. Caroline turned, her face suddenly intent on my own.

  Nervously I ran my tongue over dry lips.

  “Is he still in town?”

  Caroline nodded with apparent sympathy.

  “Yeah. He’s still around. Jax too, and Nick,” she added, naming the other guys, the ones who had been Dylan’s best friends since grade school.

  “Right.” I lifted my cup to my lips and gulped at the liquid. I’d gone heavy on the vodka, adding a splash of seven just for form’s sake, and it burned my nose and throat as I swallowed.

  I was thrilled. I was terrified.


  Some of the latter must have shown on my face, because Caroline squeezed my arm with comfort.

  “He comes to these parties once a while, but not often.” Of course, she thought I was worried about seeing him because he’d been Ella’s best friend, her co-conspirator. She had no idea what had happened between us that final night, what we’d finally given in to... and what had happened as a result.

  I wasn’t about to tell her, so instead I forced myself to smile. Slamming back the rest of my drink, I gestured to the dance floor.

  “Let’s dance!”

  Caroline’s face showed a flicker of surprise, but it quickly melted into fun.

  “Let’s do it.” Chugging the remains of her own drink, she took the hand I offered her and let me lead her onto the dance floor. As we found a spot amongst the knots of people, as the bass of the song made the soles of my spiky heels vibrate, relief was a potent drug, dripping bit by bit into my veins.

  I was reminded of why Caroline and I had become friends in the first place, though on paper it seemed she would have been a better match with Ella.

  She’d always just accepted me at face value. If I wanted to hang out in my room and study in my free time, she didn’t see anything wrong with that. If I needed to run away to a college on the opposite side of the country, well, she’d keep in touch with text messages and dirty e-mail forwards.

  If I wanted to wear a dress that no one in this town would have expected me to and dance sexy to forget about my problems, well then, she’d just join in the fun.

  We danced through song after song, fast, slow, in between, stopping only to get fresh drinks. Sweat made the clingy fabric of my dress catch on my skin, and had my once silky curls plastering themselves to my cheeks, but I didn’t care.

  As I’d learned when I’d finally left this town, letting go of control could sometimes just feel good.

  “Uh-oh.”

  I had been swaying to a song by Bruno Mars, my arms in the air, when Caroline’s voice filtered through. Opening my eyes, I saw her looking over my shoulder with apprehension.

  A big hand was on my shoulder before I could ask her what was wrong. That hand pulled me, spinning me around on my heels. With three vodka sevens in me, I lost my balance, falling against the rock solid chest of the guy who had grabbed me.

  The scent of soap and something that was uniquely him combined in my nose and told me who it was before my eyes actually took him in. My pulse quickened, my heart beginning to beat double time, as I looked up and my vision confirmed what I’d already known.

  Thick, dark gold hair that stood up in spikes all over his head. Eyes that couldn’t quite decide if they were hazel or green. Chiselled features that were normally set in inscrutable lines.

  I must have surprised him, because right now he looked like he’d seen a ghost. His hands ran up and down my arms, feeling the flesh as if he wasn’t sure I was real, and I shivered under the touch.

  Could it really be that he wasn’t appalled to find me back in town? The sparks that I’d spent my time at college trying to dampen flickered, then burst back into the roaring fire that I’d always felt around him.

  “Ella?” Those ever changing eyes narrowed and he cocked his head. I sucked in a breath when he used my sister’s name. I saw the second that he realized his mistake, but by then the pain had sliced through my veins.

  “Out of everyone,” I started, my voice shaking as I stepped away from his touch. “Out of everyone who knew us both, I thought you would be able to tell us apart.”

  Emotion that I couldn’t quite identify flickered over his face. I didn’t stick around to figure out what it was. Spinning, I shoved through the crowd of people, stumbling on the shoes that suddenly made my feet ache.

  The combination of too much vodka, emotions running high, and the shock of seeing him again made me nauseous. I thought I might puke.

  The downstairs bathroom had a line that snaked down the hall.

  I’d only been here a few times, several years ago, but I remembered there was a small bathroom off the bedroom upstairs. I knew Caroline wouldn’t care if I used it, so I kicked off my shoes and, picking them up, hurried up the cheaply tiled stairs.

  “Shit.” Clasping the edges of the porcelain sink in my hands, I bent over the basin and sucked in deep mouthfuls of air. My heart was thundering in my chest, adding to the sick sensation that threatened to smother me.

  Dylan McKay had looked at me and seen the ghost of my dead twin. What he didn’t know was that he was my ghost, the mistake that would never stop haunting me.

  The mistake that didn’t ease the want.

  Bracing my weight on the sink, I looked into the mirror, cringing at what I saw. Sweat had melted away my makeup, the charcoal around my eyes smeared in a way that made me look manic. The shock of seeing Dylan had made me pale and sickly.

  No wonder he’d confused me for my sister. Still, after what had happened between us, I’d expected... well, I wasn’t sure what I’d expected from Dylan.

  More, I guess. Or else nothing at all.

  Sighing, I splashed cold water on my face, then scrubbed with paper towel. With my skin naked, I looked more like the Kaylee that the people of this town knew and remembered.

  Maybe that was who I was destined to be. No matter how I fought it, it seemed like I couldn’t ever escape the past.

  Finger combing my messy, sweat dampened curls, I pulled them back in a ponytail with an elastic band that I found in the top drawer of the vanity. With it the transformation was complete, even though I still wore the siren red dress.

  I was Kaylee Sawyer, the girl who had always stood in the shadow of her twin, the girl who had made a tragedy happen by not being content with staying in the shadows.

  The reminder pressed down on me, and for an unhappy moment I considered calling Joel. I couldn’t tell him about Dylan, oh hell no, but he’d try to cheer me up just because I was hurting.

  I dismissed the thought as soon as I had it. I had to stop reaching out to him like he was my boyfriend, unless I was actually prepared to give him that commitment.

  If I hadn’t already known that I wasn’t, the mess that Dylan had made of my heart in the two minutes I’d seen him would have spelled it out.

  “Get me out of here.” I shuddered, reaching for the door. I half meant the party, and half meant my home town in general.

  The hair on the back of my neck rose as I left the bathroom. It gave me enough of a split second warning that I didn’t jolt when I found Dylan standing just inside the entrance to the small bedroom.

  His arms were crossed over his muscular chest, and his expression was stern. He seemed to fill the entire room, just by standing in it, something that I remembered well.

  Dylan had always seemed larger than life. Just like Ella.

  “What do you want?” My voice was sharp, even waspish, as I halted just outside the bathroom. I curled my toes into the floor, concentrating on how the short carpeting prickled the bare soles of my feet.

  I didn’t care that I was being short. What did it matter, after all? Dylan had been Ella’s friend, not mine.

  “I’m sorry.” There didn’t seem to be a whole lot of emotion behind his words, but that was just Dylan. Stoic. A rock.

  Not expressing how he felt didn’t mean that he didn’t feel it.

  “It’s fine.” It wasn’t—of course it wasn’t. But all of the emotions that had been pushing at me all day had scrubbed my heart raw, and I couldn’t handle the thought of a confrontation. Not that I’d ever been any good at them.

  “When did you get back?” Though his face remained nearly expressionless, those eyes raked over me.

  I wished I didn’t still feel the tug between us.

  “Today.” My voice sounded rusty, as if I hadn’t used it for a very long time. “I’m just here for the summer.” Next year I’d have to be extra diligent to find a job before school was done, so that I could avoid ever setting foot in Fish Lake, Oregon again.

  Ther
e was a pause, and I stared at the toes that I was still curling into the carpet.

  “How’s your mom?” He asked. As I sank my teeth into my lower lip, I told myself that he couldn’t possibly care, but I knew that wasn’t true.

  Dylan had always seen too much, and he’d practically lived at our house during the time when my mom’s drinking had gotten worse.

  He knew what she was like now, I was sure of it. And if I let him in too close, he would see what I was like too.

  Silently, I raised my stare and looked him over. His hair was that same thick golden mess that made my fingers itch to touch. He’d put a couple of inches on his already impressive six feet in the last few years, and the rangy muscle that I remembered had thickened. A hint of something sexy and smoky had replaced the notes of engine grease that had once layered into his addictive smell. The tattoo that peeked out the sleeve of his dark gray t-shirt was new. It looked like some kind of bird, though it was half covered up and I couldn’t quite tell.

  I was entranced by it. I wanted to touch it, wanted to show him that I had one too. God, I’d wanted him for so long. Sometimes it felt like forever.

  But he’d been Ella’s. Though I’d wanted so badly to believe differently, that meant that he couldn’t ever be mine.

  “It’s good to see you, Kaylee.”

  I stared at him, shocked by his words, to find the eyes in that inscrutable face raking over me hungrily. Against my better judgment, I felt myself respond, felt the heat begin to grow in my core.

  I’d thought that the consequences of the one time I’d given in had dampened any actual urges that I had to act on my desire.

  I was wrong.

  “I’ve missed you.” His voice was quiet. As he unfolded his arms and stepped toward me panic flared brightly, and my thoughts swirled.

  I wanted so badly to take his words at face value. But I couldn’t stop the memory of his face, of the accusation in his eyes, when I’d told him what had happened to Ella. When I’d told him why it had happened.